Written by Alicia Deroussen, founder of Adopt1Toy — no-taboo advice, delivered with warmth and care.
A few years ago, a customer came to see me at the shop, looking a little embarrassed. She wanted to buy a sex toy for her partner. During our conversation, she told me he categorically refused certain toys — the ones she considered “too big” — because he was afraid of being compared. Her partner, otherwise perfectly fulfilled in his professional and social life, had carried an insecurity about his penis size since adolescence, coloring every one of their intimate moments. On the other side of that same counter, I’ve lost count of the women who hesitate to undress for the first time in front of someone new because of a belly they don’t accept, breasts they consider too small or too large, or thighs they find “ugly.” These insecurities are not insignificant. They shape our relationships, our sexuality, and the way we inhabit our own bodies. So let’s really talk about them.
Men’s number-one insecurity: penis size
I’ll get straight to the point: penis size is, by far, the most common insecurity among men. Studies consistently show this — a meta-analysis published in the British Journal of Urology International indicates that 45% of men wish they had a larger penis, while 85% of their partners say they are satisfied with their partner’s size. The gap between perception and reality is striking.
Where does this discrepancy come from? Several places at once: pornography, which massively overrepresents statistically rare body types; locker rooms and comparisons between boys during adolescence, a period when masculine identity is shaped by the gaze of others; and a culture that still implicitly associates virility with a certain size. The result is that many men enter intimate relationships with that little voice saying, “Is it enough?” — even when the answer has been yes for a long time.
What the numbers really say
The average erect penis is about 13.1 cm long, according to data from the same meta-analysis involving more than 15,000 men. The vast majority of men fall between 10 and 16 cm—and within that range, the functional difference for a partner’s pleasure is virtually zero. The female G-spot is located 5–7 cm from the vaginal opening. The clitoris, the central organ of female pleasure, is external. In other words, the mechanics of pleasure do not work the way movies would have you believe.
Can you do anything about this insecurity—and how?
For men who want to explore their options, I’ll be frank: no method can permanently and significantly increase anatomical size. Stimulating creams such as Ruf’s Erekta Plus can help optimize erection quality—and a good erection does indeed provide a few extra centimeters in terms of firmness and staying power—but they do not “grow” a penis. Eros’s Largo cream, made with vasodilating active ingredients, works along the same lines: promoting optimal blood flow to help you reach your natural potential, not to create an artificial one.
And if you simply want to explore different sensations together, a penis sleeve can be an interesting option. It obviously does not alter the penis’s size: it is an accessory you put on to temporarily provide a different sensation, particularly in terms of girth, length, or texture, depending on the model chosen. I actually think it is healthier to view it as a couples’ game rather than a way to “correct” your body. You are not replacing anyone or trying to prove anything: you are simply adding a new possibility to what you already enjoy doing together.
What really helps, however, is working on how we see things. Move away from pornography as a benchmark. Talk to your partner—honest feedback from someone you love is worth ten times more than any anxious male forum. And if the couple’s sex life is enhanced with accessories, some realistic dildos, such as Pipedream’s King Cock Plus, can be incorporated into play for two—not to “replace” anything, but to broaden the range of shared pleasures.
Women's number-one complex: their relationship with their body as a whole
While men tend to focus their body-image complex on one specific anatomical area, women often carry something more diffuse and pervasive: a difficult relationship with their body as a whole. Stomach, breasts, buttocks, thighs, skin — the list of areas watched, judged, and hidden can be long. And contrary to popular belief, this isn't an issue reserved for overweight women: very slim women suffer from intense body dysmorphia, tall women live with shame about their height, and women with generous breasts hunch over to conceal them.
The stomach: the most frequently mentioned area
In my shop experience and in the many conversations I've had with women from all walks of life, the stomach consistently comes out on top. Not necessarily an "objectively" large stomach — simply a stomach that isn't flat, that bloats after eating, that bears the traces of pregnancy, weight gain, or the passage of time. Many women avoid sexual positions they'd like to try because they expose their stomach. Others keep their T-shirt on or turn off the light 
.
What I see with my customers is that this particular complex is almost always built from the outside — through family remarks, magazines, and social media presenting edited bodies as the norm. It took root before we even had time to develop our own perspective.
Breasts: too small, too large, never "just right"
The other great classic. Women with small breasts who feel "less like women," women with large breasts who live with back pain AND the shame of being stared at. Lingerie plays an interesting role here: when chosen well, it can radically transform the relationship we have with our breasts. Not to hide or change them, but to highlight them in a way that reflects what we want to project. A chest harness like the one from Subblime can, for example, become a tool for reclaiming one's body — framing it, putting it on display, playing with one's own body as one wishes, rather than as we've been told to feel ashamed of it.
What insecurities really do to our sex lives
We often minimize the real impact of insecurities on our intimate lives. Yet the effects are concrete and well documented.
| What insecurities cause | Men | Women |
|---|---|---|
| Avoidance of intimacy | Refusal of certain positions or practices | Turn off the light, keep their clothes on |
| Performance anxiety | Intrusive thoughts during sex | Dissociation, “I watch my body from the outside” |
| Impaired communication | Doesn’t dare say what they like for fear of judgment | Doesn’t express their desires to avoid drawing attention to their body |
| Effect on desire | Less reliable erections under stress | Reduced lubrication, difficulty reaching orgasm |
| Impact on the relationship | Emotional distance, irritability | Rejecting a partner’s initiatives because they are perceived as intrusive |
I built this table from what I actually hear. These aren’t extreme cases — they’re the everyday reality for many couples who sincerely love each other but separate when it’s time to undress, both literally and figuratively.
Why we can’t get out of it just by “making an effort”
The prevailing body positivity discourse has its benefits — it is gradually shifting representations in popular culture. But it also has a limitation: simply telling yourself “I accept my body” isn’t enough to believe it. Deep-seated insecurities aren’t resolved with a positive affirmation stuck to the bathroom mirror.
Several mechanisms keep them in place:
- Constant social comparison — social media has made comparison constant and instantaneous, 24/7, with bodies that are often filtered, professionally lit, and sometimes surgically altered.
- Body memory — a humiliating remark about your body at 14 becomes encoded differently from adult criticism. It settles into something more visceral.
- Silence in couples — we don’t talk to our partner about our insecurities because we’re afraid of putting the idea in their head. The result: the insecurity grows in the dark.
- Behavioral reinforcement—every time we turn off the light or refuse a position, we reinforce the idea that our body really is a problem. Avoidant behavior perpetuates the insecurity.
What really helps: practical, no-nonsense approaches
I’m not going to sell you a fantasy. There’s no magic formula. But there are things that work—not for everyone, and rarely on the first try.
For men who struggle with concerns about size
1. Stop using porn as an anatomical reference. This isn’t a moral injunction—it’s pragmatism. If your benchmark is statistically abnormal, you’ll always suffer from a fictitious gap.
2. Ask your partner. Really. Not anxiously or in a guilt-inducing way, but with curiosity. Most partners have answers that are very different from what we anticipate.
3. Explore what your body does well. Female pleasure mainly comes from clitoral stimulation, foreplay, and communication. These are areas where penis size plays no role.
4. If you want to optimize your erection rather than fantasize about different anatomy, products like Erekta Plus can help you express your full natural potential—it’s a real aid, without false promises.
5. If you want to try the sensation of a different size, make it a game rather than a source of insecurity. A penis sleeve lets you temporarily explore more volume, length, or a different texture, without pretending to change your anatomy. Used together and with mutual desire, it becomes a pleasure accessory—not a judgment of your body.
For women who don’t feel at ease in their bodies
1. Reintroduce looking at your own body outside of sexuality. Practices like yoga, dancing, or simply spending time naked at home without a critical mirror can gradually rebuild a neutral relationship—not necessarily a positive one right away, but a neutral one.
2. Choose clothes (or lingerie) that you genuinely love. Not for others—for yourself. The way you dress shapes your intimate relationship with your body. Lingerie isn’t reserved for perfect bodies; it’s made for every body that wants to feel desirable.
3. Name the insecurity to your partner. Not so they can reassure you (though that can help), but to bring it out of secrecy. A hidden insecurity takes up a disproportionate amount of space. Once named, it shrinks.
4. Body-focused therapy or psychotherapy if the insecurity is intrusive and longstanding. It isn’t weakness—it’s effective.
The partner’s role: what we can do (and what we can’t)
When you love someone carrying a heavy insecurity, the temptation to multiply compliments and constantly reassure them can be strong. It’s well-intentioned. But it can also become counterproductive if it becomes the central dynamic of the relationship—the insecure person may eventually stop believing it or feel even more exposed.
What helps more:
- Create conditions where the body isn’t the main focus of attention—moments of connection, laughter, and shared pleasure where no one is watching themselves.
- Don’t force exposure—if your partner prefers soft lighting, it’s not a battle you need to fight that night.
- Express your desire in a concrete, authentic way rather than offering reassurance—“I want you” says something different from “You have nothing to worry about.”
- Suggest exploring together, as a couple, without pressure—a new toy, a new practice, something that shifts the focus from the body to shared pleasure.
What if an insecurity were also an invitation?
I’ll end with something that may seem counterintuitive. After years of talking with hundreds of customers in the shop, I’ve noticed that people who have worked through their body insecurities—not those who have simply silenced or denied them—often have a richer, more communicative, more authentic sex life than those who have never had to question their relationship with their bodies.
Because discomfort demands awareness. When you can’t settle for “I’m fine,” you learn to name what you feel, ask for what you need, and listen to the other person differently. When you’re willing to face an insecurity instead of running from it, it can paradoxically open up conversations that people without insecurities have never had to have.
That doesn’t mean you have to keep it. It means there’s something to learn from it before letting it go. And true intimate fulfillment doesn’t look like being free of insecurities. It looks like having an increasingly honest relationship with who you are and what you desire.
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