Written by Alicia Deroussen, founder of Adopt1Toy — advice without taboos, offered with care.
Every week, I get messages from customers asking me the same question, often whispering even in writing: "Alicia, I have pain during sex. Is that normal?" The short answer: no, it's not normal to suffer every time. The longer answer is this article. Because pain during sex — dyspareunia, for those who like medical terminology — affects about one in five women during their lifetime, and comes in dozens of different forms, with causes and solutions that have nothing to do with one another. Confusing temporary vaginal dryness with chronic endometriosis is like treating a cold as pneumonia. Before I recommend a lubricant or another miracle product, we need to understand what's really going on.
Vaginal dryness: the most common and most underestimated cause
Who is it for?
For absolutely everyone, at any age. Vaginal dryness is often associated with menopause — and it's true that it's very common during this time due to decreased estrogen. But I also see 25-year-old women experiencing it because of a poorly tolerated contraceptive pill, chronic stress, breastfeeding, or simply insufficient arousal before penetration.
Why does it hurt?
The vaginal mucous membrane needs natural lubrication for penetration to be comfortable. When this lubrication is insufficient, friction causes micro-irritation, burning sensations, and sometimes light bleeding. Nothing serious in itself — but painful, yes, and preventable.
The pitfall
Thinking that if you're "wet," it's necessarily enough. Not necessarily. The amount of natural lubrication varies enormously from one woman to another, from one cycle to another, and depending on the circumstances. Choosing the right lubricant isn't an admission of weakness: it's common sense. Water-based lubricants are the most versatile and gentlest on mucous membranes. Silicone-based lubricants last longer but are incompatible with some silicone sex toys.
| Type of lubricant | Who it's for | Benefits | Avoid if… |
|---|---|---|---|
| Water-based | All profiles | Gentle, sex toy compatible, easy to wash off | Long sessions (absorbs quickly) |
| Silicone base | Menopause, water sports | Long-lasting, very slippery | Silicone sex toys |
| Natural oil base | Sensual massage, external play | Nourishing, sensory | Latex condoms, internal penetration |
| Water/silicone hybrid | Mixed profiles | Compromise between duration and compatibility | Very sensitive skin (test first) |
Muscle tension and vaginismus: when the body says no
Who is it for?
For women who experience pain at the entrance to the vagina, as if something were “blocking” it - sometimes from their very first attempt at penetration, sometimes after trauma (childbirth, assault, repeated painful experiences). Vaginismus is an involuntary contraction of the muscles around the vagina. It’s not a conscious decision, and it’s not “all in your head” in the sense of being imaginary - it’s a real muscular response to a perceived or remembered danger signal.
Why does it hurt?
The muscles contract before or during penetration, creating painful resistance. The pain itself reinforces anxious anticipation, which reinforces the contraction. It’s a classic vicious cycle. The good news: vaginismus is very treatable with appropriate support (pelvic floor pelvic physiotherapy, gradual dilators, and sometimes psychological or sex therapy).
The pitfall
Forcing it. I really can’t repeat this point enough. Forcing it doesn’t “loosen anything up” - it makes the body’s memory of pain stronger and can cause injuries. The path to healing involves gentleness, taking things gradually, and no pressure at all (from yourself or a partner).
Gynecological conditions: endometriosis, cysts, infections
Who is it for?
For any woman experiencing deep pain during sex - not at the entrance, but deep inside, often accompanied by pelvic pain outside of sex, particularly painful periods, or pain in certain specific positions. This clinical picture should immediately prompt a referral to a gynecologist. L’endométriose affects around 1 in 10 women and remains severely underdiagnosed - in France, the average time between the first symptoms and diagnosis is still 7 years.
Why does it hurt?
L’endométriose causes lesions on the pelvic organs that react to pressure and movement. Ovarian cysts can be compressed in certain positions. An infection (yeast infection, bacterial vaginosis, STI) causes inflammation of the mucous membranes, making any contact painful. These causes can’t be treated with lubricant - they require medical care.
The pitfall
Normalizing pain because “it’s always been like this.” Many women I meet in the shop grew up believing that painful periods and sex were “normal for them.” No. Pain is a signal. It deserves to be investigated, not silently endured.
Lack of preparation and unsuitable positions: the mechanics of pleasure
Who is it for?
For women with no identified physiological problem, but who find that certain circumstances make sex painful: going too fast, certain positions, a partner who pays little attention to feedback. It may not sound glamorous, but it's something I see often: penetration happens before the body is ready, and the result is uncomfortable.
Why does it hurt?
L'arousal has a very specific physiological function: it causes natural lubrication, swelling of the vaginal walls, and - above all - lengthening of the vagina (the “tenting” phenomenon). An unprepared vagina is shorter and less lubricated. Some positions also put pressure on the cervix (very deep penetration) or the uterine ligaments, which can be painful even in the absence of a medical condition.
The pitfall
Assuming the problem must be caused by a medical condition. Sometimes the solution is simply to take more time, change positions, or communicate clearly. A classic position like missionary with a pillow under the hips can radically change the angle and eliminate the pain. The woman-on-top position (cowgirl, which I mentioned in a previous article) also lets you control the depth of penetration yourself - a considerable advantage when dealing with pain.
Psychological and emotional factors: the mind-body connection
Who is it for?
For women whose pain is real - I want to make that clear, because “psychological” is often taken to mean “imaginary,” which is false and hurtful - but is amplified, triggered, or perpetuated by emotional factors. Intense stress, performance anxiety, fear of pregnancy, guilt related to one's upbringing, a painful past, relationship tension with a partner. The nervous system doesn't separate the physical from the mental as neatly as we'd like to think.
Why does it hurt?
L'anxiety activates the sympathetic nervous system (the “fight or flight” mode), which is incompatible with the relaxed state needed for arousal and lubrication. The body tenses up, shuts down, and prepares for a threat - even when there isn't one. And anticipating pain can sometimes be enough to bring it on, even when the original cause is gone.
The pitfall
Feeling “crazy” or like you’re being dramatic. I see women who are ashamed that it’s “all in their head.” That approach doesn’t help. What does work: creating a safe environment with your partner, exploring pleasure without the goal of penetration for a while, and sometimes consulting a sex therapist or a specialized psychologist. Pleasure isn’t a performance you have to get right.
Hormonal changes: after childbirth, during menopause, or with birth control
Who is it for?
For women who have noticed that the pain began at a specific point in their hormonal life: starting the pill, postpartum, perimenopause, or stopping hormone treatment. Vaginal mucous membranes are hormone-dependent - when estrogen levels drop, they become thinner, drier, and more fragile. It’s mechanical, not inevitable.
Why does it hurt?
An atrophied mucous membrane has poorer blood supply, produces less natural lubrication, and is more easily injured by even the slightest friction. After childbirth, prolactin levels (the hormone involved in breastfeeding) keep estrogen levels low - which explains why so many women have painful sex for months postpartum, without anyone telling them it’s expected and temporary.
The pitfall
Wait for it to pass without doing anything. There are effective solutions: moisturizing lubricants (use them regularly, not just during sex), local estrogen treatments (prescribed by a gynecologist, with very few systemic side effects), or switching birth control if the pill has been identified as the cause. During menopause, hormone replacement therapy can radically transform quality of life - and it’s worth having a serious conversation about it with your doctor.
If I had to keep just one thing from everything I’ve written here, it would be this: pain during sex is never inevitable, but it can’t be treated blindly. Before looking for a solution, you first need to identify the cause - because a lubricant won’t fix endometriosis, and gynecological care won’t replace working on anticipatory anxiety. My advice to every customer who talks to me about it: start by discussing it with your gynecologist without downplaying your symptoms, explore simple mechanical factors at the same time (lubrication, preparation time, position), and remember that pleasure is a compass - when your body says yes, you know. Finding that yes again is absolutely possible.
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