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Written by Alicia Deroussen, founder of Adopt1Toy — judgment-free, caring advice 
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“If I tell them what I’m really imagining, they’ll look at me differently.” This is probably one of the first fears that arises when considering talking to your partner about your fantasies.
Afraid of being judged, afraid of offending the other person, afraid they’ll think they’re no longer enough for us… so sometimes, we say nothing. Yet talking about a fantasy doesn’t mean asking to make it a reality, or announcing that something is missing from the relationship. It’s first and foremost about opening up a conversation about your desires.
🎥 Don’t dare talk to your partner about your desires?
In this video, I explain how to bring up the subject without shame, pressure, or turning the conversation into an incredibly awkward moment.
Why we don’t dare talk about our fantasies
The fantasy itself often isn’t the real problem. The problem is everything we imagine the other person will think when we tell them about it.
“He’ll think I’m weird.”
“She’ll think I’m not enough for her anymore.”
“What if it changed the way they looked at me?”
“What if they said no?”
Before Adopt1Toy, I spent years advising customers in a shop and heard an enormous number of confidences. Very often, people would start almost in a whisper, convinced they were about to tell me something completely out of the ordinary.
And very often, that wasn’t the case at all.
Silence can sometimes give our fantasies enormous importance. The longer we keep a desire to ourselves, the stranger or harder to confess it may seem.
It’s also important to remember one essential thing: a fantasy isn’t necessarily a plan.
You can imagine a situation that turns you on without actually wanting to experience it. You may also want to explore only a small part of it. Or simply like the idea as it exists in your mind.
Talking is precisely what allows you to separate the two: what belongs to the imagination and what you might potentially want to explore together.
The 6 misconceptions keeping you from taking the plunge
“My fantasy is weird” — and yet
When no one around us talks openly about their desires, it’s easy to end up believing ours are much stranger than they really are.
Role-play, wanting to be watched, a scenario with a stranger, letting go, taking control, changing locations, incorporating accessories, or exploring light BDSM: many scenarios are common among a huge number of people.
That doesn’t mean everyone shares the same fantasies. Your partner may be surprised. They may not even immediately understand what attracts you to it.
But being surprised isn’t the same as judging.
And above all, a fantasy doesn’t sum up your personality. What you imagine in an intimate context defines neither your values nor what you want to experience in reality.
If you’re really afraid of the other person’s reaction, start gently:
“There’s a scenario I’m curious about, and I’d really like to know what you think.”
You’re starting a conversation. You’re not handing them a contract to sign.
“It might change our relationship”
Yes, an intimate conversation can change something between you. But not necessarily in a bad way.
What sometimes creates distance isn’t having desires. It’s spending several years being afraid to express them.
When you keep everything to yourself, you can end up feeling that your partner only knows part of you.
You don’t need to organize a grand, solemn confession.
You can simply say:
“I’ve been thinking about something lately. I don’t even know if I’d really want to do it, but it turns me on in my imagination.”
This wording immediately takes a lot of pressure off. You’re telling them something about yourself. You’re not asking for anything yet.
“If I have to explain it, then it isn’t natural.”
Sometimes we’d like to believe that our partner should know us so well that they ought to guess what we like.
Except that even after ten or twenty years together, no one can read minds.
Your partner may know your favorite coffee, know exactly when you’re going to complain during a TV series, and recognize your mood just by looking at your face… while having no idea about a fantasy you’ve never told them about.
Putting a desire into words doesn’t make it any less spontaneous.
On the contrary, it allows the other person to understand what attracts you instead of asking them to solve a riddle.
If you don’t know how to start, a question often works very well:
“Are there things you’d like to try someday?”
You can also use a film, a podcast, or our guide to playful scenarios. Talking about an outside situation is sometimes much easier than starting directly with “I fantasize about…”
“They’re going to think they don’t satisfy me.”
This is probably one of the most common fears.
Yet satisfaction and curiosity aren’t opposites.
You can be happy in your relationship, love your intimate moments, and still want to discover something new with that same person.
The wording makes a huge difference in how the message will be received.
“I’d like us to explore this together” is nothing like:
“What we do today is no longer enough for me.”
In the first sentence, your partner is part of your desire. In the second, they may feel like they’re the cause of a problem.
You can even reassure them clearly:
“It’s not because I’m missing something with you. It’s precisely because I’d like to discover this with you.”
“Some mystery should be preserved.”
Yes. And thankfully.
Talking about your fantasies doesn’t mean providing a detailed report of every single thought.
You have every right to keep a private garden.
The important question is rather:
“Am I keeping this desire to myself because I like it remaining secret, or because I’m afraid of being judged?”
In the first case, it’s a choice. In the second, fear is choosing for you.
And contrary to what we sometimes think, talking can also heighten the mystery. A simple sentence can create several days of anticipation, different kinds of glances, or a few messages that gently build the tension.
“What if they say no?”
You need to accept that possibility before even starting the conversation.
Your partner may listen to your fantasy, understand why it appeals to you, and still not want to act on it.
And their no must truly be allowed to exist.
No “just this once.” No asking again every week. No guilt-tripping.
A refusal concerning a particular activity isn’t necessarily a rejection of you.
And sometimes, a no can even take the conversation further:
“Not that. But this part, maybe.”
You can then find a version that genuinely respects everyone’s boundaries and desires.
How to talk about it without pressure: a practical guide
Choosing the right moment
Avoid bringing it up just after a refusal, in the middle of an argument, or when you’re already starting an intimate moment.
Your partner might feel that an immediate answer is expected.
Choose a neutral moment instead: in the car, on a walk, during a relaxed meal, or on a quiet evening.
And if talking face-to-face completely blocks you, a message or voice note are perfectly valid options.
Phrases that open the conversation… and those that close it
You can try:
- “There’s something I’m curious about, and I’d like to know what you think.”
- “I’m not asking you to say yes; I’d simply like to be able to talk to you about it.”
- “Are there things you sometimes imagine too?”
- “If you’re not into it, you can tell me.”
Instead, avoid:
- “We never do anything new.”
- “You’re never up for anything.”
- “Every couple tries this except us.”
- “If you really loved me, you’d agree.”
At that point, we’re no longer talking about sharing a desire. We’re already putting pressure on the other person.
And what if the answer is no?
Welcome it.
You can ask what’s holding them back, but to understand—not to find the argument that will change their mind.
Sometimes the whole fantasy is a no-go. Sometimes, it’s only part of it.
And sometimes, the best choice is to leave that desire in your imagination.
It’s not a failure.
Where should you start tonight?
There’s no need to start with the most spectacular fantasy of your life.
Erotic games for couples are a great way to open up the conversation: a card asks the question for you, and each person can answer at their own pace.
If you’d like to add something new and physical to your time together, also discover our couples’ sex toys.
And if your fantasy revolves more around a character, an atmosphere, or a situation, our guide to sexy scenarios can give you ideas that are easy to adapt.
To gently explore control, letting go, or accessories, you can also browse our domination & BDSM collection.
📦 Discreet delivery
🔒 Secure payment
💬 And if you don’t know where to start, I also personally reply on WhatsApp. Behind Adopt1Toy, you’re really talking to a real person.
Talking about your fantasies doesn’t mean you have to act on them.
That’s probably the most important thing to remember.
You can talk about a desire and then decide that it will remain only in your imagination.
You can modify part of it. Make it gentler. Turn it into a game. Or discover that your partner has a completely different desire that intrigues you more.
The goal isn’t to check off a list of fantasies.
The goal is to build enough trust to be able to say:
“That turns me on.”
“That intrigues me.”
“Not that.”
“Maybe.”
And when all four of these answers are allowed to exist, the conversation generally becomes much simpler.
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