Written by Alicia Deroussen, founder of Adopt1Toy — judgment-free, caring advice.
The first time a customer slipped me the word "sapiosexual" in the shop, it was between two lingerie displays. She was looking for a gift for her partner and said to me almost in passing: "You see, what drives me crazy about him isn't his looks 
— it's the way he talks about things that are beyond me." She was glowing. I put down the babydoll and we talked standing in the aisle for twenty minutes. It wasn't the last time.
Sapiosexuality: an attraction to intelligence, not snobbery
Sapiosexuality refers to a form of attraction — sexual, romantic, or both — triggered first and foremost by another person's intelligence. Not just academic intelligence, degrees, or quoting Nietzsche at the dinner table. We're talking about a much broader spectrum: curiosity, the way someone reasons, general knowledge, how they argue, or even how they admit they've been wrong.
The word comes from the Latin sapiens (one who knows, who discerns) and the Greek sexualis. It has circulated online since the 2000s, notably popularized by researchers studying the psychology of attraction, who began examining it seriously after OkCupid added it as an orientation option in 2014. The reality it describes is much older.
What distinguishes sapiosexuality from a simple preference is the order in which attraction is triggered. For a sapiosexual person, physical attraction may exist, but it comes afterward — or is conditioned by — intellectual attraction. A gorgeous body that says little isn't enough. A conversation that catches fire can make someone physically irresistible.
Is it a sexual orientation in its own right? The question is debated. Some researchers classify it as a preference, while others see it as a characteristic of a broader orientation. What I take from it is this: for people who identify with it, it's not insignificant. It's fundamental.
How to recognize that you're sapiosexual — the concrete signs
No online test needed. Here are a few signs I often hear about in the shop or in messages from customers:
- A great first conversation makes someone more attractive to you than three months at the gym
- You find yourself fantasizing about the way someone explains something, a well-turned phrase, or an unexpected line of reasoning
- The other person's lack of curiosity kills your desire more surely than any physical awkwardness
- You fall in love with your partner all over again whenever they surprise you intellectually
- A shared book, a slightly heated debate, or discovering something together can end in bed
Now, a few important nuances. Sapiosexuality isn't reserved for people who are "highly cultured" — a passionate mechanic explaining how an engine works with stars in their eyes can trigger exactly the same thing. And it doesn't rule out being physically attracted too: most sapiosexual people feel both, but in a certain order.
Nor should it serve as an excuse for elitism. I've seen Tinder profiles that displayed "sapiosexual" as a disguised social filter. That's not what this is. The intelligence we're talking about here is lively, curious, engaged intelligence — not measured IQ or academic background.
One detail I like to emphasize: sapiosexuality can express itself differently at different stages of life. A customer in her thirties told me she thought she was "just demanding" at twenty. It was only after being in a relationship for several years with a man who truly engaged her intellectually that she understood it was a constant in her, not a passing whim.
What it really changes in everyday life as a couple
Being in a relationship when you're sapiosexual means living with one particular reality: maintaining desire largely involves maintaining the intellectual connection. This isn't always intuitive for partners who don't work that way.
A sapiosexual person often needs mental stimulation to stay connected to desire. A weekend without a genuine exchange, without a conversation that scratches beneath the surface, can create a distance that feels sexual even though it's primarily cognitive. Their partner may experience it as rejection. Understanding the mechanics helps prevent misunderstandings from taking over.
Conversely, a well-handled disagreement — where each person argues honestly — can paradoxically strengthen attraction. Not because conflict is arousing, but because watching someone think under pressure, stand by a position, or change their mind gracefully can reignite desire.
The danger? Intellectual boredom as a silent erosion. When the relationship becomes routine, when conversations shrink to logistics and TV shows, a sapiosexual person may feel their desire declining without being able to explain it to their partner. "I'm not attracted to you anymore" is a difficult sentence to hear. "I need us to keep stimulating each other" is easier.
What has struck me over the years is that sapiosexual couples who last often develop a real ritual around this. Nothing formal or pompous — just a habit of not letting conversations die in the day-to-day routine. A topic brought up in the car, a documentary episode debated before bed, a question asked at dinner that the other person didn't expect to hear. These gestures may seem small, but in reality they're decisive.
Feeding the couple's intellectual connection: five practical ideas
This isn't a list of assignments. It's what I've seen work — in the shop and in my own life with Steven, who can drive me completely wild when he explains something with precision and passion.
- Set up "intellectual dates" — a museum, a documentary followed by a real discussion, a book read in parallel. Not a cultural outing out of obligation, but an excuse to think together.
- Share your current obsessions — not your Instagram updates, your real obsessions. What you're reading right now, what you still don't understand, what intrigues you.
- Dare to have genuine disagreements — don't smooth things over for the sake of peace. A well-handled difference of opinion is fuel, not a danger.
- Learn something together from scratch — a language, an instrument, a strategy game. The vulnerability of being a beginner creates rare closeness.
- Vary your conversation settings — changing the scenery changes the quality of the exchange. Dinner out, a long walk, a drive: the conversation shifts.
I'd add a sixth idea, less obvious: take an interest in your partner's area of expertise, even when you know nothing about it. Not to perform interest, but to invite them to teach you something. It's a very particular form of trust. And for a sapiosexual person, being chosen as the "teacher" by someone they love can have a very direct effect on desire.
Sapiosexuality and physical desire: the two aren't mutually exclusive
A persistent myth is that sapiosexual people are "in their heads" and pay little attention to the body. In reality, it's the opposite. Because intellectual attraction creates an intense presence with the other person, when physical desire arrives, it often arrives with a great deal of attentiveness.
What I often hear is that sex toys, role-play, and erotic objects don't lose their appeal — but they fit in differently. A vibrating egg introduced during a narrative game, a couples' game set that starts with questions rather than physical challenges, a cock ring introduced as a conversation topic before being taken out of the drawer — all of this can take on an added dimension when the intellectual comes before the sensual.
I see sapiosexual couples who are very fulfilled in their intimate lives. Their strength is that they have often developed a real language around their desires, because talking is their natural way of accessing each other. Communication, which is the number one sticking point for ordinary couples, is often their favorite playground.
There's also something particular about what comes afterward — that post-intimacy moment when some people want to sleep and others want to talk. The sapiosexual person often belongs to the second category. It's not a demand: it's simply that body and mind don't separate as easily for them. Recognizing this, and turning it into something gentle rather than a source of friction, is already an act of self-knowledge.
When your partner isn't sapiosexual: navigating the difference
Most sapiosexual couples are mixed — one person is sapiosexual, while the other isn't really, or is less so. This isn't a structural problem, but something to take into account.
What helps is clearly naming what you feel without turning it into a judgment of the other person. "I need moments when we think together" is something they can hear. "You don't intellectualize me enough" leads nowhere. The difference isn't a hierarchy of value — it's a difference in the grammar of desire.
The non-sapiosexual partner may also find something exciting in this dynamic: being loved for what they think, not only for how they look, can be a profoundly tender experience. And in return, they often bring what the sapiosexual person sometimes struggles to let go of: pure presence, the moment, the body without commentary.
A customer shared a phrase with me that I find spot-on: "They ground me. I take them somewhere else." Two ways of being in a relationship, complementary if you accept that they don't work in the same way. It's not always simple. But it's rarely impossible to work through together when the conversation is there.
Sapiosexuality isn't an obstacle to connection — it's a gateway to a very particular kind of intimacy. If you're looking for a concrete starting point to open this conversation with your partner, sometimes a simple object — a well-designed question game, a couples' set built around exchanging ideas — can create the space you need to begin.
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