PMS and Libido: Understanding Your Cycle to Improve Your Sex Life

Written by Alicia Deroussen, founder of Adopt1Toy—judgment-free advice, with kindness.

A few years ago, a customer came into my shop with a question that stopped me in my tracks: "Is it normal not to feel like doing anything for ten days a month?" She was talking about the week before her period—that famous hormonal no-man’s-land known as PMS, or premenstrual syndrome. I spent twenty minutes with her that day. Not trying to sell her anything—just explaining what was really happening in her body. And showing her that those ten days didn’t have to be a punishment. PMS affects between 30 and 80% of menstruating people, depending on the study—and yet we almost never talk about it from the perspective of pleasure. We talk about cramps, bloating, irritability. Rarely about what it does to your libido, how you want—or don’t want—to be touched, or your relationship with your body. That’s exactly what we’re going to address here.

Chloe — Exactly! Your cycle is information, not a sentence 🌸 We’re learning to listen to it, that’s all!

PMS: what happens in your body (without the lecture)

Premenstrual syndrome (PMS) refers to all the physical and emotional symptoms that appear during the luteal phase, that is, the 7 to 14 days before your period. Fatigue, irritability, bloating, low libido: these symptoms are linked to hormonal fluctuations at the end of the cycle, particularly the drop in estrogen and progesterone.

The menstrual cycle has roughly four phases. The follicular phase after your period, ovulation in the middle, the luteal phase before your period—and the period itself. PMS occurs during the luteal phase, that is, the 7 to 14 days before your flow begins. This is when progesterone rises, estrogen levels fall, and your brain receives a hormonal cocktail that can change everything: your energy, your mood, your tolerance for frustration, and yes—your desire for intimacy.

Serotonin—the neurotransmitter associated with well-being—drops during this period for many people. And testosterone, which plays a direct role in sexual desire, can also fluctuate. The result? Sometimes you feel on edge, physically hypersensitive, with a libido that has vanished or, conversely, intensified—some people experience an increase in desire during the luteal phase. The body is complex, and every cycle is different.

Symptoms that affect sexuality

Beyond mood, PMS can directly affect your sex life in several ways:

• Tender, painful breasts → some cuddling or positions may become uncomfortable
• Abdominal bloating → your relationship with your body changes, and sometimes so does your desire to be seen naked
• Skin hypersensitivity → some caresses perceived as gentle may become irritating
• Mild vaginal dryness → natural lubrication may decrease at the end of the cycle
• Pelvic cramps → some positions may become difficult or even painful
• Intense fatigue → you may lack the energy for sex, even if the desire is there

And paradoxically — I hear this regularly in the shop — some people feel their desire surge just before their period. Like one last hormonal push. The body is rarely linear.

The cycle as a compass: the intimate cycle-syncing method

I discovered the concept of cycle syncing — synchronizing your activities with your hormonal cycle — a few years ago, through work such as that of Flo Peri and naturopath Alisa Vitti. The basic idea: don’t treat your cycle as a constraint, but as an information map of your physical and emotional state at any given moment.

Applied to sexuality, it reveals something quite telling:

This chart is not a universal law. It’s a trend. Your own cycle may be very different — and that’s exactly why observing your own rhythm is a thousand times better than relying on an external standard .

PMS and low libido: it's not all in your head

I want to say this clearly because too many people are wrongly made to repeat it: low libido during the premenstrual phase is physiological. It's not a relationship problem. It's not a lack of willingness. It's not because you no longer love your partner or are "no longer in the mood." It's biochemistry.

What is in your control, in a positive sense, is how you will welcome this information rather than fight it. I've seen dozens of couples create unnecessary tension around this time. The partner who takes low libido as rejection. The menstruating person who feels guilty for not wanting sex. This scenario is avoidable. All it takes is talking about it—really talking, not just saying "I'm on my period."

What you can say to your partner

Here are three phrases that have already helped some of my customers (yes, sometimes I end up doing impromptu couples counseling at the counter):

1. "The ten days before my period, my body is in survival mode. I love you just as much; I simply need gentleness and less pressure."
2. "If I pull away that week, it's not a sign about us—it's a hormonal signal. Tell me if you still need closeness, and we'll find another way."
3. "I'd like us to establish a non-sexual connection ritual for those days. Massages, cuddling, watching a movie together—that kind of thing nourishes me just as much."

These phrases aren't magic scripts. They're starting points for a conversation that many couples have never had.

Orgasm for cramps: science says yes

A brief aside worth exploring—because it often changes your perspective. An orgasm, whether achieved alone or with a partner, triggers the release of oxytocin and endorphins. These hormones have a real antispasmodic effect on the uterus. Studies have shown that masturbation during menstruation can significantly reduce cramp pain for some people.

In other words: if you're at the beginning of PMS with pelvic pain and have no desire for sexual intercourse—a gentle, solo clitoral stimulation can literally help you physically. It's not insignificant. It's an alternative to anti-inflammatory medication that many people don't know about.

Adapting your practices and products during PMS

If we agree that PMS shouldn’t mean forced abstinence, we should nevertheless adapt sexual practices to the comfort of the moment. Here’s what I recommend — and what I often slip into the baskets of my clients who struggle during this time.

Lubrication: don’t neglect it

Mild vaginal dryness at the end of the cycle is common. It makes penetration less comfortable even when the desire is there. A good-quality water-based lubricant, without glycerin or parabens, changes everything. I prefer slightly thick gel formulas that stay in place without drying too quickly. Keep them within reach — not in the back of the drawer, but on the bedside table.

Gentle clitoral stimulation

During PMS, many people find penetration uncomfortable but remain receptive to gentle external stimulation. Air-pulse stimulators are particularly well suited to this time: they exert no internal pressure, the stimulation is precise, and the intensity can be adjusted. At low intensity, they can even be soothing. I often recommend them to clients who no longer know how to experience pleasure during this difficult time.

Positions to prioritize

If you choose penetrative sex despite PMS, certain positions minimize abdominal pressure and penetration depth:

• Spooning: shallow penetration, intimate contact, zero pressure on the stomach
• Missionary with a pillow under the buttocks: the modified angle reduces pressure on the cervix
• Riding with complete control: the menstruating partner controls the pace and depth

Positions to avoid if you have cramps: anything involving direct abdominal pressure (such as doggy style with deep penetration or positions curled in on yourself).

Massage as an intimate practice in its own right

I’ve lost count of the number of couples who have told me they rediscovered their physical intimacy during periods when “traditional” sex was on pause. Erotic massage — not necessarily with orgasm as the goal — is an intimate practice in its own right. A warming massage oil on the lower back, lumbar area, or stomach — it soothes cramps AND creates connection. It’s as much about care as it is about desire.

Severe PMS and PMDD: when lifestyle management isn't enough

There's PMS—inconvenient, but manageable with adjustments. And then there's PMDD—premenstrual dysphoric disorder—a severe form affecting around 3 to 8% of people who menstruate. PMDD includes intense emotional symptoms: pronounced depression, panic attacks, dark thoughts, and debilitating irritability. It's not just “more severe PMS”—it's a recognized disorder that requires medical support.

If you're reading this article and recognize something heavier than fatigue or irritability—if every month you go through days when you truly no longer recognize yourself—talk to a gynecologist or doctor. Effective treatments exist (appropriate hormonal contraception, supplementation, therapy, sometimes SSRIs during the luteal phase). It isn't inevitable.

For “classic” PMS, however, several complementary approaches have shown promising results in studies: bisglycinate magnesium (300–400 mg/day during the luteal phase), vitamin B6, reducing sugar and alcohol during this period, and moderate physical exercise. No miracle cure—but real tools that can help.

Tracking your cycle: the most underrated tool

I'll end with something very simple I wish someone had taught me at 20: keep a cycle journal. It doesn't have to be an ultra-sophisticated app—even a paper notebook will do. Every day, note your energy level (1 to 5), your general mood, your approximate libido, and your physical symptoms.

Within two or three months, you start to see patterns emerge. You begin to anticipate rather than endure. You know week X will probably be difficult, so you organize it differently—by planning less, communicating with your partner in advance, and preparing your comfort kit (lubricant, heating pad, gentle vibrator, dark chocolate, if we're being honest). This isn't resignation. It's body-based strategy. And it really changes the relationship you have with your own cycle.

PMS may not disappear—but it can stop being something that happens to you without warning every month, like an unpleasant surprise. Your body is sending you signals. Learning to read them is the most intimate and useful thing you can do for yourself.