PMS and Libido: Understanding Your Cycle to Improve Your Sex Life

Written by Alicia Deroussen, founder of Adopt1Toy—judgment-free, compassionate advice.

A few years ago, a customer walked into my shop with a question that stopped me in my tracks: "Is it normal to not feel like doing anything for ten days a month?" She was talking about the week before her period—that famous hormonal no-man’s-land called PMS, premenstrual syndrome. I spent twenty minutes with her that day. Not trying to sell her anything—just explaining what was really happening in her body. And showing her that those ten days didn’t have to be a punishment. PMS affects between 30 and 80% of menstruating people, depending on the study—and yet we almost never talk about it from the perspective of pleasure. We talk about cramps, bloating, irritability. Rarely about what it does to your libido, the way you want (or don’t want) to be touched, or your relationship with your body. That’s exactly what we’re going to address here.

Chloe — Exactly! Your cycle is information, not a sentence 🌸 We’re learning to listen to it, that’s all!

PMS: what happens in your body (without the lecture)

Premenstrual syndrome (PMS) refers to all the physical and emotional symptoms that appear during the luteal phase, meaning the 7 to 14 days before your period. Fatigue, irritability, bloating, low libido: these symptoms are linked to hormonal fluctuations at the end of the cycle, particularly the drop in estrogen and progesterone.

The menstrual cycle has roughly four phases. The follicular phase after your period, ovulation in the middle, the luteal phase before your period—and the period itself. PMS occurs during the luteal phase, meaning the 7 to 14 days before your period starts. This is when progesterone rises, estrogen drops, and your brain receives a hormonal cocktail that can change everything: your energy, your mood, your tolerance for frustration, and yes—even your desire for intimacy.

Serotonin—the neurotransmitter associated with well-being—drops during this period for many people. And testosterone, which plays a direct role in sexual desire, can also fluctuate. The result? Sometimes you feel on edge, physically hypersensitive, with a libido that has vanished or, conversely, intensified—some people experience an increase in desire during the luteal phase. The body is complex, and every cycle is different.

Symptoms that affect sexuality

Beyond mood, PMS can directly affect your sex life in several ways:

• Tender, painful breasts → some cuddling or positions become uncomfortable
• Abdominal bloating → your relationship with your body changes, and sometimes so does your desire to be seen naked
• Skin hypersensitivity → some touches perceived as gentle may become irritating
• Mild vaginal dryness → natural lubrication may decrease at the end of the cycle
• Pelvic cramps → some positions become difficult or even painful
• Intense fatigue → the energy for sex, even when the desire is there, may be lacking

And paradoxically—I hear this regularly in the shop—some people feel a surge of desire just before their period. Like one last hormonal push. The body is rarely linear.

The cycle as a compass: the intimate cycle syncing method

I discovered the concept of cycle syncing—synchronizing your activities with your hormonal cycle—a few years ago through work by people like Flo Peri and naturopath Alisa Vitti. The basic idea: don’t treat your cycle as a constraint, but as an information map of your current physical and emotional state.

Applied to sexuality, it reveals something quite telling:

This chart is not a universal law. It’s a trend. Your cycle may be very different—and that’s exactly why observing your own rhythm is a thousand times better than relying on an external standard .

PMS and Low Libido: It's Not in Your Head

I want to say this clearly because too many people are wrongly made to repeat it: low libido during the premenstrual phase is physiological. It's not a relationship problem. It's not a lack of willingness. It's not because you no longer love your partner or because you're "not in the right headspace." It's biochemistry.

What is, instead, in your head—in a positive sense—is how you're going to welcome this information rather than fight it. I've seen dozens of couples create unnecessary tension around this time. The partner who takes low libido as rejection. The menstruating person who feels guilty for not wanting sex. This scenario is avoidable. All it takes is talking about it—really talking, not just saying, "It's that time of the month."

What You Can Say to Your Partner

Here are three phrases that have already helped some clients (yes, sometimes I end up doing impromptu couples mediation at the counter):

1. "The ten days before my period, my body is in survival mode. I love you just as much; I simply need gentleness and less pressure."
2. "If I pull away that week, it's not a signal about the two of us—it's a hormonal signal. Tell me if you still need connection, and we'll find another way."
3. "I'd like us to establish a non-sexual connection ritual for those days. Massages, cuddling, watching a movie together—that kind of thing nourishes me just as much."

These phrases aren't magic scripts. They're starting points for a conversation that many couples have never had.

Orgasms for Cramps: Science Says Yes

A brief aside worth exploring—because it often changes your perspective. An orgasm, whether achieved alone or with a partner, triggers the release of oxytocin and endorphins. These hormones have a real antispasmodic effect on the uterus. Studies have shown that masturbation during menstruation can significantly reduce cramp pain for some people.

In other words: if you're in the early stages of PMS with pelvic pain and have no desire for sexual intercourse—a gentle, solo clitoral stimulation can literally help you physically. It's not insignificant. It's an alternative to anti-inflammatory medications that many people don't know about.

Adapt Your Practices and Products During PMS

If we agree that PMS shouldn't mean forced abstinence, practices should nevertheless be adapted to your comfort level at the time. Here's what I recommend—and what I often slip into the baskets of my clients who struggle during this period.

Lubrication: don't neglect it

Mild vaginal dryness at the end of the cycle is common. It makes penetration less comfortable even when desire is present. A good-quality water-based lubricant, without glycerin or parabens, makes all the difference. I prefer slightly thick gel formulas that stay in place without drying too quickly. Keep them within reach—not in the back of a drawer, but on the nightstand.

Gentle clitoral stimulation

During the PMS phase, many people find penetration uncomfortable but remain receptive to gentle external stimulation. Air-pulse stimulators are particularly well suited to this period: they exert no internal pressure, provide precise stimulation, and offer adjustable intensity. At a low intensity, they can even be soothing. I often recommend them to clients who no longer know how to experience pleasure during this difficult time.

Positions to prioritize

If you choose penetrative sex despite PMS, certain positions minimize abdominal pressure and penetration depth:

• Spooning: shallow penetration, intimate contact, zero pressure on the abdomen
• Missionary with a pillow under the buttocks: a modified angle that reduces pressure on the cervix
• Riding with complete control: the menstruating partner controls the pace and depth

Positions to avoid if you have cramps: anything involving direct abdominal pressure (such as a doggy-style position with deep penetration or positions where you curl up tightly).

Massage as an intimate practice in its own right

I've lost count of the number of couples who have told me they rediscovered their physical intimacy during periods when "classic" sex was on pause. Erotic massage—not necessarily with orgasm as the goal—is an intimate practice in its own right. A warming massage oil on the lower back, lumbar region, and abdomen—it relieves cramps AND creates connection. It's care as much as desire.

Severe PMS and PMDD: when lifestyle management is no longer enough

There is PMS — uncomfortable, but manageable with adjustments. And there is PMDD — premenstrual dysphoric disorder — a severe form that affects approximately 3 to 8% of menstruating people. PMDD includes intense emotional symptoms: marked depression, panic attacks, dark thoughts, and debilitating irritability. It's not "PMS turned up" — it's a recognized disorder that requires medical support.

If you're reading this article and recognize something heavier than fatigue or irritability — if every month you go through days when you truly no longer recognize yourself — talk to a gynecologist or doctor. Effective treatments exist (appropriate hormonal contraception, supplementation, therapy, and sometimes SSRIs during the luteal phase). It doesn't have to be this way.

For "classic" PMS, however, several complementary approaches have shown interesting results in studies: magnesium bisglycinate (300–400 mg/day during the luteal phase), vitamin B6, reducing sugar and alcohol during this period, and moderate physical exercise. No miracle cure — but real tools that can help.

Tracking Your Cycle: The Most Underestimated Tool

I'll end with something very simple that I wish someone had taught me at 20: keep a cycle journal. It doesn't have to be an ultra-sophisticated app — even a paper notebook works. Each day, note your energy level (1 to 5), general mood, approximate libido, and physical symptoms.

Within two or three months, you start to see patterns emerge. You begin to anticipate rather than endure. You know that week X will probably be difficult, and you organize it differently — by planning less, communicating with your partner in advance, and preparing your comfort kit (lubricant, heating pad, gentle vibrator, dark chocolate, if we're being honest). This isn't resignation. It's body strategy. And it really changes the relationship you have with your own cycle.

PMS may not disappear — but it can stop being something that happens to you without warning every month, like an unpleasant surprise. Your body is sending you signals. Learning to read them is the most intimate and useful thing you can do for yourself.