BDSM domination

What are dominance and submission?

Dominance and submission (D/s) form the psychological core of BDSM — it is the relationship dynamic in which one partner (the dominant) takes control of the scene while the other (the submissive) allows themselves to be guided, restrained, and directed within a negotiated and consensual framework. This dynamic is based on absolute trust: the submissive relinquishes control because they know the dominant will take care of them, and the dominant exercises their power within the limits they have defined together.

In the shop, I meet just as many people drawn to the dominant role as to the submissive role — and many who want to alternate (known as “switches”). What brings them together is the search for an emotional and sensory intensity that conventional sex does not provide. D/s is not a pathology — it is a form of deep intimate communication that requires more dialogue, negotiation, and attention to one another than most conventional sexual practices. My guide to dominance and submission explores the foundations of this dynamic.

Dominance and submission accessories

Masks and hoods: removing visual identity

Masks and hoods remove the submissive’s visual identity and plunge them into darkness, heightening all their other senses. Touch, sound, and smell become hypersensitive when vision is removed. This is one of the most psychologically powerful accessories — being masked creates a feeling of anonymity and surrender that frees you from self-censorship. Styles range from a simple satin blindfold to a full leather hood with adjustable openings for the mouth and eyes.

Gags: controlling speech

Gags remove the ability to speak — a highly powerful symbolic restraint that reinforces the feeling of submission. The ball gag is the classic option, the bit gag allows the wearer to bite, and the ring gag holds the mouth open. Be careful: when a gag is in place, a verbal safeword no longer works. You need to agree on a nonverbal signal — such as dropping an object held in the hand or tapping three times on a surface.

Ticklers and feather dusters: sensory contrast

Feather dusters and ticklers introduce gentle stimulation that contrasts with impact or restraint accessories. This interplay of contrasts — a light caress after an impact, a tickle after immobilization — is one of the most effective principles in BDSM. The dominant controls the sensory register: pain, softness, surprise, anticipation. This alternation is what creates the scene’s emotional intensity.

Chastity and extended control

Chastity devices and chastity cages extend the power dynamic beyond the scene. The dominant controls the submissive’s access to pleasure for a set period — a few hours, a day, sometimes longer. This practice requires ongoing communication and particular attention to the wearer’s hygiene and physical comfort. Control rings complement this category with less restrictive accessories.

Building a healthy D/s dynamic

The safeword guide and the aftercare guide cover these essential practices in detail.

How to get started with D/s

Start with a simple game: a blindfold and verbal instructions. The dominant guides the submissive — “don’t move,” “open your mouth,” “hold out your hands” — using nothing but their voice. This minimalist experience quickly reveals whether the power dynamic excites you or not, without a material investment or risk. If it clicks, accessories will naturally enrich the experience later on.

D/s scenarios for beginners

Beyond the equipment, D/s is above all about words, tension, and role-play. Here are three scenarios I often suggest to couples who are new to it in the shop:

• The date: the dominant sends instructions by message throughout the day — what to wear, where to meet, and how to behave. Submission begins well before physical contact, through anticipation and following instructions
• Sensory discovery: the submissive is blindfolded and restrained. The dominant explores their body with different textures — a feather, an ice cube, massage candle wax, silk — without warning them what will come next. The uncertainty amplifies every sensation
• Pleasure control: the dominant decides when, how, and for how long the submissive receives pleasure — with a remote-controlled sex toy or simply with their hands. Orgasm is granted only with explicit permission

My guide to sensual scenarios offers more ideas suited to every level of experience.

Common mistakes to avoid

• Confusing dominance with violence — D/s is based on consent and respect, not brute force
• Using a gag without agreeing on a nonverbal safeword signal
• Neglecting aftercare — the emotional comedown after an intense scene (“sub drop”) can occur hours later
• Imposing a role on your partner — dominant and submissive are chosen roles, not fixed identities
• Wearing a chastity device for too long without monitoring — hygiene and blood circulation must be checked regularly

Further reading

My D/s guide explores relationship dynamics in depth. The complete BDSM guide places dominance in the broader context of BDSM practices. Restraints add a physical dimension to verbal control, while BDSM outfits visually reinforce the roles. The article gentle BDSM guides beginners through their first D/s experience.