Swinging today: what it really is

Libertinism today arouses as much curiosity as it does misunderstanding. Behind this word, there is not just one reality, but a multitude of practices, frameworks, and intentions. If you are interested in it, it is not necessarily because you want to experience everything, but often because you want to understand. To understand what it really involves, what it changes in a couple, and above all what it says about you. Libertinism is neither a trend nor a modern obligation. It is an intimate journey that requires clear-sightedness, communication, and respect. In my experience, the people who feel most at ease with this subject are those who take the time to ask themselves the right questions before taking action.

What does libertinism look like today?

Libertinism is a relational and sexual practice based on a simple principle: mutual agreement between consenting adults to explore experiences outside the traditional exclusive framework.

Contrary to popular belief, this is not about having no rules. In fact, it is often the opposite. The people involved clearly define their boundaries, desires, and conditions. A libertine couple generally spends much more time talking about their sex life, boundaries, and relationship dynamics than a conventional couple. An apparent paradox: it is precisely because they give themselves more freedom that they set more boundaries.

Libertinism can take very different forms depending on everyone’s desires, level of involvement, and boundaries. If you want to distinguish them more precisely, my guide to different libertine practices explains the main frameworks and their nuances.

There are several forms of libertinism:

• Imaginary libertinism — shared fantasies, reading erotica together, scenarios discussed in bed without acting on them
• Visual libertinism — watching without participating, visiting venues without engaging in exchanges
• Soft exhibitionism — showing yourself (in clubs or on platforms) without physical contact
• Occasional experiences — an occasional evening, a specific experiment, a trip
• Regular partner swapping — exchanges between couples, often between couples who are friends or within a defined circle
• Group sex — sex with several people in the same room without necessarily swapping partners
• Threesomes — a regular or occasional third guest in the couple’s intimate life
• Embracing solo libertinism — single people active in this scene

None of these approaches is better than another. What matters is that it is consistent with your own boundaries and aligned with your partner’s if you are in a relationship. People who feel comfortable with swinging are rarely those who “push the limits”; they are the ones who have found the exact balance that works for them.

A little history: where does this word come from?

The word “libertine” dates back to 17th-century France. Originally, it referred to people who freed themselves from religious dogma and defended freedom of thought. Its meaning later became more restrictive, associated with sexual freedom at the court of Louis XIV and then in the 18th century. Today, modern libertinism retains this heritage: it is defined as much by freedom of thought as by freedom of the body. That is also why many contemporary libertines value this philosophical dimension—they rarely see themselves as “perverts,” but rather as people who have chosen a different lifestyle ethic.

Swinging in France: figures and trends

Swinging remains difficult to measure precisely, as studies do not always group swinging, open relationships, threesomes, and other forms of non-exclusivity under the same term. Nevertheless, recent data on open relationships provide a useful overview of how relationship models are evolving in France.

• 15% of French people who have been in a relationship say they have already experienced a relationship in which the partners were free to have sex outside the relationship.
• 8% of French people say they are currently in an open relationship.
• 23% of Parisians who have been in a relationship say they have already experienced an open relationship, compared with 15% nationally. Among people currently in relationships, the proportion reaches 17% in Paris, compared with 8% in France.
• 14% of people currently in exclusive relationships say they would consider opening up their relationship.
• Among women in relationships, the share reporting that they are in an open relationship rose from 1% in 2017 to 5% in 2025, with 3% in 2019 and 4% in 2023.
• 89% of people in open relationships say they have been satisfied with their relationship since opening it up. This proportion rises to 91% among women.

These figures do not mean that 15% of French people define themselves as swingers in the strict sense or visit clubs. Above all, they show that consensual non-exclusivity, long considered highly marginal, is becoming more visible and now concerns a measurable minority of the population.

Source: data from the Ifop study for Gleeden published in April 2025, conducted online among 2,000 people representative of the French adult population and 1,130 people representative of the Parisian population.

Swinging vs. infidelity: understanding the real difference

Infidelity is based on lies. Swinging is based on clear agreement. That difference changes everything.

In a swinging context, what matters is not exclusivity but transparency. Loyalty does not disappear; it shifts: it is built on promises made and kept. Someone who swings but lies to their partner about what they have done is still unfaithful, even in an open relationship. This is a nuance that people outside the scene do not always perceive: swinging does not “kill” betrayal; it redefines it.

But be careful: this does not make things simpler. It often requires greater emotional maturity than a conventional relationship. In a traditional monogamous relationship, the rules are implicit and largely shared by society. In a swinging relationship, every detail must be discussed and decided: with whom, when, how, where, with what boundaries, and how often. This constant clarification is both the model’s strength and its difficulty.

Typical rules a swinging couple sets

Every couple defines its own rules, but certain common principles often emerge:

• Always together (never solo) — or, on the contrary, permission for solo experiences
• No feelings / no repeated dates with the same person
• Condoms every time, including for oral sex
• Not at our home / no inviting others to our home
• Absolute veto right: if one person is uncomfortable, everything stops
• A systematic debrief after every experience
• A code word to signal silent discomfort in the heat of the moment
• Total transparency: we tell each other everything and hide nothing

For more context on couple dynamics when facing these issues, the couple’s guide also explores complementary aspects.

Communication in swinging: what really makes the difference

You don’t “succeed” at swinging through a single conversation. It’s an ongoing process.

Before, during, and after: every stage matters. What makes the difference is being able to speak openly… but also to listen without immediately becoming defensive.

In practice, many couples discover topics they had never discussed before: jealousy, fear of comparison, the need for validation, previously hidden fantasies, and unspoken expectations from years ago. This “revelatory” effect is often described as one of the unexpected benefits of swinging—even for couples who ultimately decide not to act on it.

The 3 stages of the swinger conversation

Before — you define the framework. Desires, fears, absolute boundaries, preferred settings, and desired pace. This conversation should happen with clear heads, not just before going out, during an argument, or after a few drinks.

During — you remain attentive to each other. A look, a hand placed on you, or an agreed-upon code word can signal that it is time to slow down or stop. Experienced swinger couples develop a very nuanced nonverbal language between them.

After — the “debrief.” Many couples make it a ritual: coffee the next day, a walk, or a quiet drink. You share your feelings, what you enjoyed, what you liked less, and what you would or would not do again. This conversation is often what strengthens the relationship most over the long term.

Consent: a non-negotiable foundation

Consent is not a “yes” given once and for all. It evolves constantly.

Consent can be withdrawn at any time, without explanation. This is a fundamental rule. You can say yes to one person and no to another, say yes to one act and no to another, say yes at one moment and change your mind five minutes later. No one can hold it against you: it is even the cultural norm in the community.

In respectful swinger communities, this concept is central. It comes through words as much as through attention to nonverbal signals. To explore this important concept further, my article on consent and new relationship dynamics explains the mechanisms of active consent and how to practice it daily.

Consent by proxy does not exist

One essential point that is often misunderstood: your partner cannot consent “on your behalf.” Even in a very close relationship, each person gives their own consent for anything that directly concerns them. A husband who says, “Go ahead with him, I don’t mind,” is speaking only for himself. The woman concerned must give her own yes, to the other man, freely and without pressure.

This rule protects everyone and prevents situations in which one person feels obliged to go along “so as not to disappoint” their partner. In reputable clubs, staff are trained to detect situations where someone seems to be “going along” rather than “choosing,” and will intervene if necessary.

Protection and safety: an essential pillar

Swinging entails increased responsibility when it comes to sexual health.

Using condoms, regular screening, and communication about activities are integral parts of this approach.

Refusing unprotected activity is a normal and respected boundary. In the serious swinging community, this rule is so firmly established that anyone who tries to pressure someone into making an exception is immediately considered unreliable, and their name may circulate negatively within the networks.

STI screening: a schedule to adopt

For an active swinger couple, doctors recommend a full screening every 3 to 6 months. Standard screening covers HIV, hepatitis B and C, syphilis, chlamydia, and gonorrhea. Depending on the activities, some doctors also test for human papillomavirus and herpes.

In France, CeGIDD (Free Information, Screening and Diagnostic Centers) offer these tests free of charge and without a prescription in all mid-sized cities. Results are confidential and are never shared with an employer, insurer, or primary medical record without consent.

In the event of risky sex (a broken condom or forgetting one), PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis) must be taken within 48 hours to be effective against HIV. Available in hospital emergency departments 24/7. This is information every responsible swinger should know.

Using the right lubricant

An appropriate lubricant significantly reduces the risk of STI transmission by preventing the microtears that provide an entry point for viruses. It is a basic precaution, but one that is often overlooked. Water-based lubricants are compatible with all condoms and sex toys. For longer or anal activities, silicone offers better staying power.

Fantasy vs. reality: what many people discover too late

Swinging is often idealized. In reality, emotions are very much present.

Jealousy, for example, is not a failure. It is an indicator. It helps you understand what truly affects you. The common mistake is trying to “eliminate” it through willpower. Jealousy cannot be rationalized: it must be acknowledged, welcomed, and worked through. It often loses its charge when you name it, not when you deny it.

In my experience, the most well-balanced people are those who accept these emotions rather than trying to suppress them. Some couples stop swinging after a few months because the jealousy is too strong, and that's perfectly legitimate. Others go through a phase of intense jealousy, then discover that it subsides with time and trust. There is no right reaction: there is your reaction, which you need to listen to.

Other common emotions

Beyond jealousy, other emotions often arise and surprise beginners:

Compersion — the pleasure felt when seeing your partner have a positive experience with someone else. This is often the most disorienting emotion for people from a monogamous background: they've been taught the opposite all their lives.

Comparison — inevitable at first, it fades with experience. You quickly understand that comparison is misleading: everyone is different, and comparing performance makes no sense in a consensual context.

Fear of loss — fear that your partner will “find someone better” and leave. In reality, according to statistics from the community, the opposite happens most often: stable swinging couples generally last longer than average, provided they have clearly established their rules from the outset.

If these questions resonate with specific fantasies, my article on sexual fantasies offers additional insights.

Swinging and relationships: strengthening or weakening?

Swinging doesn't save a relationship. It amplifies what already exists.

A strong couple can find a new form of dialogue in it. A fragile couple may find themselves facing more visible tensions.

That's why I always recommend taking stock beforehand, not afterward. If your relationship is going through a difficult period, or if one of you suggests swinging to “spice things up,” the chances of it going well are low. Conversely, a couple that works well, communicates, and trusts each other can find in swinging a space for exploration that strengthens their bond.

Signs that a couple is “ready”

• Communication already works on difficult subjects (money, family, conflicts)
• Both partners have a fulfilling sex life together
• Mutual trust is strong and doesn't depend on constant proof
• The idea of swinging comes from both partners, not just one leading the other
• Both have taken the time to learn, read, and discuss things in depth
• There is no crisis to “fix” underway

Signs that a couple isn't ready

• One of the two suggests it to “save the relationship”
• A clear imbalance in desire (one very eager, the other very reluctant)
• Pre-existing unresolved tensions
• Pathological jealousy in one of the partners
• Fragile self-esteem (a high risk of being deeply hurt by rejection from others)
• A recent relationship (less than 2 years old): too soon to master the dynamics

To assess whether your couple’s preferred frequency is aligned, my article on how often couples have sex offers practical points of reference. And if you’re experiencing a drop in desire that is prompting the idea of swinging, read this article about declining desire first — often, the solution isn’t swinging but deeper work on the relationship itself.

Clothing freedom and respect: a reality that is often misunderstood

In swinger clubs, outfits can be very revealing, but that never implies consent.

Respect is often held to a higher standard there than in conventional venues. Consent remains the central rule. This paradox surprises many women who walk through the door for the first time: they expect a place where they will have to “defend themselves,” but instead discover a space where approaches are more clearly governed, more respectful, and more quickly sanctioned than in a conventional nightclub. If you want to see how these codes are applied in practice, I also explain the rules of respect in swinger clubs.

The swinger club dress code

Dress codes vary from club to club. Some require smart attire (dress, heels, suit), others accept sexy casual wear, while others operate around specific themes (lingerie night, masquerade night, latex night, 1920s night). Checking the dress code before coming helps avoid being turned away at the door.

For a BDSM or fetish evening, there’s no need to turn preparation into an inventory: a few carefully chosen BDSM accessories for beginners are more than enough to get into the theme without overdoing it.

Very revealing outfits are neither mandatory nor expected. Many couples arrive in everyday clothes, change on-site in the changing rooms, or choose to keep an elegant outfit on all evening. Nothing requires you to “get naked” in the literal sense.

Swinger clubs: how they really work

Swinger clubs are highly structured spaces. Contrary to popular belief, nothing is imposed.

You can observe, chat, or simply explore without taking part. Many couples spend their first evenings—or even all their evenings—observing and becoming closer while watching others. That’s not a failure; it’s a genuine way to explore an open-minded lifestyle, sometimes called “consensual voyeurism.”

For a first experience, the most useful thing is to arrive without performance goals and know what to expect before walking through the door. My guide to preparing for your first open-minded evening covers the steps before, during, and after going out.

If you want to understand the etiquette, I also recommend this guide to the rules for an open-minded evening.

Online platforms

In addition to physical clubs, modern open-minded dating also takes place on specialized platforms where couples meet, chat, and check their compatibility before meeting in person. This preliminary step considerably changes the experience: you arrive at a club with aligned expectations, or arrange encounters outside the club setting.

To discover one of the best-known platforms for open-minded adults in France, my article on Gleese and its community explains how this type of platform works and who it is for.

The limits of an open lifestyle

It’s not always simple. Some difficulties come up frequently:

• Different paces within the couple — one wants to go back every weekend, the other once a quarter
• Comparing yourself to others — bodies, age, experience, level of confidence
• Emotional exhaustion — an open lifestyle requires mental energy, not just physical energy
• Impact on your social circle — difficulty talking about it outside the community, risk of stigma
• Relationship complications — unexpected attachment to an outside partner
• Gap between expectations and reality — fantasies and reality do not always align
• Difficulty “going back” — returning to exclusivity after a period of an open lifestyle can be complicated

Recognizing these limits helps you avoid losing your way. Some couples stop after several years of a fulfilling sexually open lifestyle, simply because their needs have changed. It’s neither a failure nor a betrayal of the lifestyle: it’s proof that you’re still listening to yourself.

Why be interested in it… or not

Before you get started, ask yourself one simple question: why?

Curiosity, a desire for novelty, a need for validation, a search for lost erotic intensity, the fantasy of taking an idea all the way… all answers are valid, as long as they are conscious and embraced.

There are bad reasons too, however, and they deserve to be identified: pleasing your partner without genuinely wanting to, saving a relationship in crisis, filling an emotional void, or proving something to someone (an ex-partner, people around you, or yourself). When swinging comes from one of these motivations, it rarely becomes a good experience.

And above all: choosing not to do it is just as legitimate a decision. Swinging isn't “superior” to monogamy, nor is it a more evolved form of relationship. It's a different form, suited to some people and not to others. Staying exclusive by deliberate choice rather than by default is just as strong and coherent a choice as opening up to other forms of relationship.

Conclusion

Swinging today goes far beyond the associated clichés. It's a rich, structured world that requires clear judgment, communication, and maturity. It can enrich a strong relationship or reveal the weaknesses of a fragile one. It's neither mandatory nor inherently advisable: above all, it's a matter of personal alignment and good timing.

If you're considering trying it, take the time to fully understand the framework, have an in-depth conversation with your partner, learn about the etiquette, and choose a good place to start. Consensual, mindful swinging can be a rewarding adventure; when driven by haste or pressure, it can damage what you were trying to protect in the first place.